Today, during some free time between taking the GMAT and calculus class, I planned to get my outdoor yoga on in a local park. Yoga in the sun is just really so amazing. I’ve mentioned it before.
The sun decided not to cooperate with me, however. The sky had the signs and the scents of impending rain, and I almost decided not to do it. But I am glad I did. It made me realize how far I am from being truly comfortable with myself in front of others.
Upon arrival at the park, I spotted many more people than I expected to be there at 5pm on a Monday. I got nervous. I drove around scouting a place I could practice where not many people were around. There were no such places. I finally parked. I finally got out. Tentatively I walked around, no mat in hand, looking for a spot. Once I found a place I thought would be acceptable, even though the soccer team practicing near by could see me and it was pretty close to the walking trail, I went back to my car for my mat.
I was so acutely aware of all the people who were there and wondering if they saw me, what would they think. “Look at the crazy woman doing crazy poses over there all by herself.” I wondered how many would know I was doing yoga, how many would be curious and watch for a while, how many would not pay any attention at all.
When I finally got settled and closed my eyes to begin my practice I focused as much as I could internally. I tried to think only about each breath, each movement, as if it were the only thing in the whole world. Of course, as people passed by on the trail and I heard the shouts from the soccer practice, I was torn away from yoga and back to the reality being in a public place where lots of people could see me.
It was tougher than I expected. I know I have a long way to go if I want to be truly comfortable in front of people. If I want to teach – oh my goodness, and then I even have to talk in front of people. I have to learn to get over myself somehow.
It is strange how I have always been this way. Often, I will not go into a small store or shop I have never been in if I am by myself. It makes me uncomfortable for some reason. There are many things I would like to do but I don’t have the courage to do alone. I like getting lost in the crowds.
Teaching yoga is definitely going to be all about me being front and center. Leading others. I get nervous just thinking about it. I really, really do want to teach. I want to help others. I want to share this amazing thing I have found.
It is going to take a lot of patience, a lot of practice, and a lot of getting over myself.