I mentioned previously my dislike of suburbia and how far away from everything I feel. Including my favorite yoga studio, a good 30 minute drive, depending on traffic. (Side Note: I realize in some places a 30 min drive is nothing, but this is Tulsa, OK. It doesn’t take 30 min to get anywhere, barring traffic.) Today I was confronted with a new dilemma. Maybe the drive isn’t my only issue. Maybe I lack motivation. Scratch that. Why the heck do I have such beaten down, sucky, lackluster motivation?
Today, I worked from home and at 4:45pm decided I was going to yoga. My neck, back, and spine were so sore and stiff from laying on the couch for two days with my sick hubs that I was in pain. Never a better time for yoga. So I finished up my work, got dressed and ready, then sat down to debate if I really wanted to go. What? What debate was necessary? I was in pain and needed soothing, stretching yoga. I told the hubs I did not want to make the drive. It does turn into over a 2 hour trip with class and drive time. Needless to say, I sat and thought about it until it was too late and I did not have enough time to get there.
What the hell? What is wrong with me that I could get ready to go then decide I did not want to do it? When I did really want and need to do it? Something is definitely screwed up with my motivation. The more I think about it, the more I realize my motivation (or severe lack there of) has a much bigger impact on my yoga practice than I give credit. Yet I do not really understand. I love yoga and wish desperately I could go more often. My body and mind need me to go more often. So why the lack of motivation to go to class? Or even to do a home practice? Although, I realize I don’t get nearly as much out of home practice as I do classes. It just doesn’t compare.
Heading into 2010 with a focus to do yoga more regularly (post to come soon about that), I have got to work this motivation thing out. For the sake of my sanity. I became really upset with myself tonight when I missed class. There was no reason for me not to go. I did do a short home practice which helped, but is not the point. Yoga should not be something that causes me angst. It should calm, center, and relax me. It should bring me a little bit closer to that happy place inside. That definitely did not happen with my yoga today. I have no idea what to do. How do I motivate myself to do something that I feel like I really already want to do? I feel there is much contemplation to come…