My Motivation Dilemma

I mentioned previously my dislike of suburbia and how far away from everything I feel.  Including my favorite yoga studio, a good 30 minute drive, depending on traffic.  (Side Note: I realize in some places a 30 min drive is nothing,  but this is Tulsa, OK. It doesn’t take 30 min to get anywhere, barring traffic.)  Today I was confronted with a new dilemma.  Maybe the drive isn’t my only issue.  Maybe I lack motivation.  Scratch that.  Why the heck do I have such beaten down, sucky, lackluster motivation?

Today, I worked from home and at 4:45pm decided I was going to yoga.  My neck, back, and spine were so sore and stiff from laying on the couch for two days with my sick hubs that I was in pain.  Never a better time for yoga.  So I finished up my work, got dressed and ready, then sat down to debate if I really wanted to go.  What?  What debate was necessary? I was in pain and needed soothing, stretching yoga.  I told the hubs I did not want to make the drive.  It does turn into over a 2 hour trip with class and drive time.  Needless to say, I sat and thought about it until it was too late and I did not have enough time to get there.

What the hell?  What is wrong with me that I could get ready to go then decide I did not want to do it?  When I did really want and need to do it? Something is definitely screwed up with my motivation. The more I think about it, the more I realize my motivation (or severe lack there of) has a much bigger impact on my yoga practice than I give credit.  Yet I do not really understand.  I love yoga and wish desperately I could go more often.  My body and mind need me to go more often. So why the lack of motivation to go to class?  Or even to do a home practice?  Although, I realize I don’t get nearly as much out of home practice as I do classes.  It just doesn’t compare. 

Heading into 2010 with a focus to do yoga more regularly (post to come soon about that), I have got to work this motivation thing out. For the sake of my sanity.  I became really upset with myself tonight when I missed class.  There was no reason for me not to go.  I did do a short home practice which helped, but is not the point.  Yoga should not be something that causes me angst.  It should calm, center, and relax me. It should bring me a little bit closer to that happy place inside.  That definitely did not happen with my yoga today.  I have no idea what to do.  How do I motivate myself to do something that I feel like I really already want to do?  I feel there is much contemplation to come…

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